since im bored and upset and someone's flickr led me to their blog i remembered my own i'm here. why the fuck do i have this thing? anyway i just had the most -i cant even explain it- type of nights. i don't know how i get myself into the situations i do, but fuck i really need to stop. this is where i would explain the night, but its not worth it..

if i only love my life every other week or so.. does that mean i actually hate it? cause i was loving this week and now it sucks and i can't tell if im depressed or if i actually have days that im in love with.. but then there's the whole factor of if i really love them or if i am just telling myself that i do. gah idk i think they're great at least. maybe im just getting too comfortably numb and content is what i've grown to love.

Fold me up into a sailboat and let me drift away

It's ok, I like the ripples, I love the waves

And when my paper skin starts to soak

Let me drown and allow me to choke

The water brings me under, I'm one with the sea

The best part is watching you, watch me

My body starts to deteriate and tear into two

As I melt, I can't help to think of you

You let me drift away, drown, and choke

You let me tear in pieces as I soaked..

..and the fishes read my mind and whisper "thank you"

This is a poem I wrote along time ago about someone (when I get a second chance) and can't seem to get it out of my head. I suck with words, and can't help regret all the lines I spoke soon after this was written. SO much bullshit and the lines run through my head like a broken record. Then on the other hand, I wish I was brave enough to explain how I really felt, without worrying how I worded every line- that wound up just driving me into ditches anyway.

There's so much reminders of this person around every corner I turn and sometimes I smile, sometimes I just feel guilty that I can't stop the thoughts from coming. My friends are some of the best. My family has been there for me more than ever. I have someone who loves me, more than I thought someone would again. And I am so busy every passing day with school, fun, etc... But one thing can still make me forget all of this exists and i miss it.

The other day as I was talking to my friend, he mentioned his thought of wanting a blog. This of course made me remember about the one I have. We went on to talking about how it’s really interesting to see one’s personal growth through a blog and this made me sad at the fact I failed to kept mine going. Through reading my older entries, I can already see the difference in myself since then and now. In one of my entries dated December 1^st, 2008 I even stated “I think it’s going to be really cool when i get to a point where i can look back on posts and see change in myself or just simply recall some memories.” I’m glad I started a blog back then cause what I stated is in fact true. I thoroughly enjoyed reading my older entries, even through there’s not much, and viewing how I have changed. You may not be able to tell, but I can tell simply seeing how I spoke. As well, recalling each one of those times sitting at my computer and writing and who I was at those times.

Speaking of change, I was at camp last week and I think it may have been one of my most valuable weeks of my life (involving growth and change) thus far. The inside of my head was almost unrecognizable. I viewed things a lot differently than I have before and I felt change in myself. Mainly my view on people changed. In the past, I was constantly finding flaws in everyone around me, including my family and best friends. I used the flaws against others all the time and it would eat up my head with my decisions and actions towards them. It also affected my level of value towards the ones I loved most, leaving me lonely. I would tell myself though, it’s not that I don’t have anyone, it’s just that I don’t like anyone I have. I have learned over the past few weeks and especially my week at camp last week, that there’s always good in every person. Despite how mean or annoying or immature a person can be they have a good side too. And most importantly it’s up to me to find and value that side in everyone. 

At camp, I was surprised to have found one of my campers in my Outdoor Survival class, Henry (who’s only 8 or 9, maybe), was the person who I found to be the most inspirational to me. I would never expect to have any benefit from talking to him, but I did and I’m glad I did. I can’t even explain how it is pre say he helped me, but just the talks we had were really significant to me at the time.